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to combat isolation, discouragement, and uneasiness.
~Dr Prem Jagyasi
I sat on the bench and watched the leaves fall to my feet.
A squirrel jumped into a mud pile to grab a nut, which was quickly snatched from its claws by a greedy thief who ran across the path and up a tree. I was lost and confused after the career fair. I knew that I accomplished so much, but I never felt that way before. I would doze off and daydream instead of working on assignments. I would waste time scrolling through social media. I needed to do something, but I didn’t know what, so I sat on that bench and looked towards the sun. Its warmth helped cool my headache. My closest friend came and sat down with me. This was when I realized why I felt so off.
1. The Clinical Psychology Panel
To start the week, we had our clinical psychology panel in ACP (Applied Contemporary Psychology). I thought I knew what I wanted to do, at least after graduation: go to grad school, become a lab assistant, help professors with research, move onto a PhD program, write a grand thesis, and get a job at a university, while also being a superhero on the side. As the panelists spoke about their careers, I realized that my priorities were all wrong. There’s no way I could actually plan out the next 10 years of my life right now, I barely know how I’m going to pay my tuition every month. What do I want to do? I want to help people, I want to be able to do research, but there are so many paths that can lead me there. What are my priorities? I want to be able to afford a nice place when I graduate, but I don’t want to work for some business and sit in a cubicle all day. I want everything but I can’t have it all, no one can. I have to make sacrifices, but I’ve already sacrificed so much. What if I sacrificed the wrong things? The effects of the panel didn’t hit me until after the career fair.
2. The Coe College Career Fair
I prepared for the career fair the moment I received the first email. I signed up and decided that I was going to land myself some LinkedIn connections. I sent C3 my information, so I could have some business cards to pass out, and I picked out my outfit. I knew that I wanted to discover my calling, and was hopeful that all my questions would be answered. I spoke to employers with an open mind, and tried to expose myself to a few for-profit companies to see what they offered. I was immediately drawn to Tanager Place because I biked past the clinic every morning and every night over the summer. The man representing the non-profit was very passionate about his work, and it made me feel more comfortable with my desire to work in the mental health field, focusing on helping children and their families. I was hesitant to believe that I could be strong enough to handle the stress and emotional strain of the field, but I know that I won’t be happy unless I’m helping people. It was decided. This would be a difficult journey, but when has life ever been easy? Then, my worldview was shifted upside down.
I almost walked past the FBI but saw that they had four representatives in suits, so I stopped and wanted to talk to them. They were already explaining their internship program to another student, so I was able to collect my thoughts and try to think of something to ask. I felt the goosebumps on my arms as they introduced themselves. It was like the tv shows, but real, and I was glad I wore my uncomfortable, classy black shoes. I was left speechless, yet found myself speaking to them like a normal human being. Did you know you can actually be a member of the FBI? I mean really know. With the skills I have, and the skills I want to have, I can help people in ways I never thought possible. As I held the papers, I noticed that my fingers were shaking, and I could barely hold the papers with one hand. I quickly held the edges with both hands, crinkling the corners to give my fingers something to do. Right when I thought I knew what I wanted to do… BAM, I didn’t. There’s a whole world out there. I could have done things differently in the past, which would have resulted in a different life for myself; I may not have become the woman I am today.
Meeting the representatives of both the Linn County Sheriff’s Department and the Cedar Rapids Police Department widened my perspective even farther, by shifting the force of gravity onto me, rather than simply letting me float away. I have unrealistic expectations of myself, but right there I was grounded in reality, and speaking with women and men who are confident in what they’re doing made me hopeful for my near future. I was moving forward, but had no clue where I was going. Yes, I was completely, utterly lost.
3. Reading Animal Farm in One Sitting
I spent five hours cleaning my room on Friday night. My mom got us Apple Music, so I decided to jam to all of Whitney Houston’s albums. I started three loads of laundry, swept, reorganized my closet and drawers, cleaned my desk, watered my plants, and sang a lot of songs. I let the essential oils spread across to each corner of my room and ate too many granola bars. When all my hard work was complete, I became anxious. I’d put off reading the books I checked out for a few days, and I knew I should’ve finished one of them by then. I went to my secret reading space, and spent the next three hours reading Animal Farm. Most people have read the story already, but I never had to so I didn’t - it didn’t sound appealing to me. Besides, I can appreciate it much more now than I could in my youth.
4. Moving Again
I move a lot. I’ve gone between two states (every other weekend) for years, but when I came to Iowa for college I was finally settled. I stayed here for the past two summers because I wanted to be stable. Cedar Rapids has become my home. My mom was moving to Missouri, a place I’ve never visited before, and I wasn’t coming with her. I won’t see the place until Thanksgiving. I was unsure about what my next steps in life should be, since I could now explore a whole new city and be away from CR for a while. Unfortunately, I still have to deal with limitations I do now, such as transportation. I don’t know anything about Missouri or how far our new home is from the major cities and all the opportunities they provide. My family was excited for the move, but I remained indifferent. All the external factors competing with the internal factors for my attention irritated me. What was I supposed to do?
5. Saying Goodbye
My closest mentor, Crystal Triplett, left Coe on Friday, so I wrote her a letter that I crafted into a card, and delivered it to her before my shift in the Learning Commons. It’s hard to put into words how much you miss someone who’s been such a great addition to your life, and you never expected things to become any different. I decided to try to use social media to share with everyone in the entire world how much I appreciate her. I know that I’ll always have the memories and experiences we shared, and life moves on, but I wasn’t expecting so many changes to happen around me and within me at the same time.
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There were so many more experiences during this week (September 30 - October 5) - and I deserve many hugs and pats on the back - but once I sat down and allowed time to reflect, these were the most memorable. I had never felt this way before, and didn’t realize how I was being affected by these events. I went through the motions of completing my assignments and making headway to my future career, but I also slowed down and lived in the present moment. I see now that these were amazing feelings and I have control over my life and my future. I can't and won't get everything I want, but now's the time to try. Sometimes I forget that I'm 20. Have you ever experienced a sudden change in mood? How did you get out of your head space and back into the real world? Let me know in the comment section down below.
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| Giphy Source |
Reflection Quotes: Goodreads
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