Perfectionism: Dismantling Black and White Thinking

Image Source

Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough - that we should try again.

~Julia Cameron

The past three weeks have been very hectic. From day one I’ve been bombarded with assignments, meetings, projects, and a host of personal obligations I must meet. I did my best to arrange my schedule in a way that allowed me time to complete my work, and for the most part I've been able to. I am very thankful to my past self for thinking so far ahead. I want to go back to sleep. I want to snuggle and watch cartoons for the rest of the day, and just relax. But, I can get through this, by gradually changing how I see this situation. 

I have a tendency to think in extremes. I'll either ace this test or fail, and I'll be successful or I won't, are all common thoughts that pop up throughout the day. The problem with this way of thinking is that the world is not black and white. It takes practice to break habits, but using Anxiety Canada's self-help guide How to Overcome Perfection I've made amazing progress these past 10 months. 

I have severe, high-functioning anxiety - according to a mood assessment- but, this is not a character trait of mine, nor does it define me. It does, however, help explain the behavior that I want to change. I am very critical of myself, and hold high standards that I expect to meet. If I don’t get an A in the class, I feel as if I’ve failed at something important, when I haven’t. I do not easily see a standard as unreasonable or unattainable. This makes it difficult for me to accept when I make mistakes, because I have a bar that I must meet. This is where compromising comes in. 

No one enjoys compromising with others. We all want things to work out in our favor, but it’s a fact of life that we have to. As a perfectionist, I need to be able to allow myself to make mistakes. Anxiety Canada recommends gradually adjusting what I tolerate, so that I don’t make myself more anxious. Let’s work through an example:

Gif Source

You spent over six hours in one night working on your ceramics project for your next class. You’ve been keeping up with the blog posting assignment, and had a lot of fun staying up late with your classmates making all your pieces. During the presentation, the teacher comments on how your piece isn’t functional and your classmates explained how they didn’t understand the theme you were going for. You really loved your piece, and your friends did too, but some critiques were harsher than others and your feelings were hurt. You felt that they were attacking you personally. At the end of class you decide to toss your work. If it wasn’t good enough when it counted, it wasn’t good enough at all. 

This situation could have been handled better and since hindsight is 20/20 it’s easy to see how, but, for now, here’s one more example. 

Finals week is over, your teacher and classmates loved your blog and your final pieces. You planned, designed, and attached a lot of emotions to your work, especially since others praised you for it. It’s time to decide what will be tossed. You see the pieces that passed your original criteria, but failed after the glazing didn’t turn out as well as you expected. Can you guess how this situation was handled? 

This was me when I was a Freshman. After finals week, I wanted to toss all my flawed pieces, but my best friend encouraged me not to. It wasn’t a fun conversation, as I had immediately made up my mind that they were trash, but he insisted that there was nothing wrong with them. He even said they’d make great flower pots. For every reason he gave, I explained why he was wrong, and why I was right. But, in the end, he convinced me. 

Gif Source

Learning to compromise is a never-ending process, and when I began reflecting on my habits, I become more critical of myself. Today was a good day, because I cried to my friends and opened up to others. I talked about all my stress and worries and feeling that I will never get my work done. Turns out a lot of people feel the same way, and I’m not alone in my battle against these negative thoughts and emotions. We’re in our fourth week of school and I already feel like I’m falling apart, but I know that the severity of these issues is all in my head. I believe in myself and I have people who believe in me too. 

I know that I’ve already made a lot of progress this semester, but I have more work to do. This week, in my effort to create attainable goals for myself, I will open up to my family about my obligations and the stress I’ve been feeling. Family Weekend begins Friday, and I try not to make my family worry about me. But, I am an adult, and I have no reason to hide my struggles from the people who care about me.

There are too many assignments to complete before Monday, but I want to spend as much time with my family as I can, so I will make sacrifices. This is my first step in compromising. You can’t do everything, you can’t have everything, you have to prioritize and make plans to reach those higher-ranking goals. Recruitment just ended, but there is still so much I must do in my officer position. However, my position cannot maintain a top position in the long-term, as my research is my higher priority. Still, I value my mental and physical health, and cannot allow myself to burn out. At this time, all three are vying for the top spot in my hierarchy, which is why I feel overwhelmed. I cannot put this off any longer and have decided that my ranking for this week is:

1. Spending time with my family
2. Completing my assignments
3. Completing officer obligations

Although my sleep and cleanliness of my dorm will take a hit, I must stay on top of my work. This weekend, I will be with my family, and they will be more than enough as a reward for my hard work.

Gif Source

Sources
Anxiety Canada Bx: Perfectionism Guide 
Julia Cameron Quotes: AZ Quotes

If you're new to the LC Blog, check out my previous posts about perfectionism down below:
Perfectionism
Perfectionism: Acceptance and Action
Perfectionism: Changing My Perspective
Perfectionism: Seeing the Big Picture